SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again