coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
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life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
live long and prosper!
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.