Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.