Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS