What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.