The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods