I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
how to market bottled water to dads
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
don’t we all
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.