*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Somebody’s lying.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.