COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
They grow up so quick
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again