Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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the three branches of government
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
This is what makes twitter great
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
he looks great for his age
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me: