@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
You Might Also Like
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
channeling her this year
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
💁🏻♂️
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I would move hell over six inches for you
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro