I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Put a ring on it
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits