no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea