Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.