if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
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Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.