My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
#CatsOnTwitter
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!