[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
c’mon!
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I think my mom just blocked me
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.