I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
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Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.