I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.