WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
🤣😈🤣
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!