*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
All generalizations are stupid.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Breaking news:
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.