Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?