“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My kitchen overserved me.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?