There is no “we” in chocolate.
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: