Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!