My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
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I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
this is so top tier i cant
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates