*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
sleeping beauty
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner