“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly