My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all