[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Brb my Sims are getting married
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”