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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.