My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake