The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.