Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
this makes me so uncomfortable
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.