First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
This headline is a thing of beauty
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth