i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.