As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
LOOOOOOL
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.