‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.