I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
True.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.