They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
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I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?