i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Facebook Twitter
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Owl Sanctuary
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go