It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.