*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
incredible book dedication
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I mean…but I did
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home