Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84