The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*