Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
What do you hear?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.