It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores