I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?