People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area