*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Omg 🤣
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Lassie, get help!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.